Spiritual Gifts and Swim Strokes

Recently, my gospel study has been in 1 Corinthians 12 – the chapter about spiritual gifts.  And after a nice long list of wonderful spiritual attributes, it ends with the command to seek the best gifts.  Modern prophets have also counseled us to actively seek to develop any spiritual gift we lack.  Elder Richard G. Scott said, “Remember that the reason we want to have the stability and strength of the gifts of the Spirit is that we want to weather the storms when they come. We will be tried in this mortal probation. We don’t want to decide to learn how to swim when the boat is already sinking.”

Ok.  Let me stop right there.  I don’t feel like I’m in a boat at all!  I know that M. Russell Ballard gave a great talk about staying in the boat – the good ship Zion.  But let me just say, staying in the gospel of Jesus Christ and remaining active in the restored church – the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints – often feels nothing like being on a cruise, or a ferry, or even a small fishing boat!  A lot of the time, I feel like I’m in the drink and it is one wave crashing over me after another.  It is all I can do to break the surface and catch a breath. And in those times when it does feel calm and I do feel like I’m floating, I’m learning that is very temporary and more waves are headed my way.  The crazy thing is that I have a pretty good life.  Don’t get me wrong - I am blessed in so many ways and often love my life.  But with parenthood (aka lifelong cycle of hope and heartaches), mortal bodies, and a society that is going you-know-where in a handbasket I often feel like it’s all I can do to keep treading water and break the surface for an occasional gulp of air.  

Now is the time I’m supposed to be learning new swim strokes/spiritual gifts???  I think Richard G. Scott’s analogy of the sinking ship is right.  The problem is that the ship sank a while back and the waves keep crashing.  Yes, my testimony and faith are some of the spiritual gifts that keep me kicking to the surface. But honestly, it sounds a bit overwhelmingly unrealistic to take on mastering the butterfly stroke in this water. And the crazy thing is that I sometimes spend my swimming energy on watching others swim deftly and beautifully by with their amazingly strong strokes.  Heck – some even seem to be jetting by on speedboats.  Just ugh.  Honestly, most of those who look to be swimming deftly by probably are in similar circumstances.  I think of the analogy of the duck gliding smoothly by, when below the surface it’s feet are paddling furiously.  We all struggle in ways few know.  I love the “Good Ship Zion” analogy, but right now, it feels a lot more like I need to stay in the “Good Swimming School Zion”.  

As I was reading and making venting-notes in my scriptures on this topic, a few thoughts were whispered to my mind. Maybe the workout I’m getting treading water is preparing my muscles to learn strokes further down the road (or should I say further across the ocean).  Maybe the searing pain of holding my breath before I break the surface is developing the lung-capacity I need to master some awesome swim strokes down the road when I need to make a deep dive.  And maybe – just maybe – my unique style of treading water is a swim stroke/spiritual gift in itself.  Maybe the desire to keep reaching the surface is a swim stroke/spiritual gift.  Maybe working so hard to be the cork when you feel like a sinking rock is a spiritual gift – a valuable and even essential swim stroke in itself.  

Maybe it’s ok to perfect my treading water technique right now and work on my breathing and stop wishing I could skim, dolphin-like through the water with an elegant butterfly stroke.  Maybe reaching out to the Savior in prayer and doing all I can to keep swimming is fulfilling that commandment to seek the best gifts for me in the aquatic circumstances of my here and now.  “Seek ye the best gifts” may just mean “seek to keep swimming and keep breathing.”  

Life’s not a race, it’s an art project.

I have been pondering a lot about an analogy someone shared in church a while back. The details and the identity of the individual that shared it have since eluded me, but the analogy was sort of debunking the notion that this life is a race.
Here’s the gist - what if after running and running and struggling to win a race, you cross the finish-line and someone informs you that it was actually an art project?!

There’s a lot to be learned from statements such as ‘life’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon,’ or other cross-the-finish-line sentiments. But the more I see and learn of life, the less I buy in to the idea that God is watching all his children in one massive track meet trying to sprint, jog, or otherwise win medals and achieve personal bests. Maybe it is because I am not a runner and so the race analogy is somewhat repellant. Perhaps it is because I don’t like the innate competition and comparison in racing. Yes, I know it’s all about your personal best, but let’s be real - they still give out awards or medals for those that finish first.  I just don’t think God ranks his children that way. Sometimes we do get carried away trying hard to race toward some future finish line, when our loving Heavenly Father is gently whispering, “it’s not a race - it’s an art project.”

Here’s some scriptural basis to back this up: 

1 Samuel 16:7 “for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.”
2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if any man ​be​ ​​​in Christ​, ​he is​ a ​​​new​ creature”
Matthew 5:48 “Be​ ye therefore ​​​perfect, even as your ​​​Father​ which is in heaven is ​​​perfect​.  ”

It’s all about becoming, not simply achieving.

And let’s face it, artwork is messy and divine artwork can be painful at times. Corrie Ten Boom would quote a poem about this unique piece of art we are becoming in the Tapestry Poem by an unknown author:“My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.

Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.

Not ’til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned

He knows, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.”
So let the dark pieces reveal, let the kiln burn, let the color splash and mix. Ultimately Jesus Christ is the ultimate artist and when we allow him to work His art in our hearts, that is the whole point of our life. And there is a peace and beauty found in creatively becoming instead of frantically racing with or against those around us. God isn’t trying to push us all toward a finish line. This life is not a race, it’s an art project. 

Giving God a Little Space to Fight

I found myself reading a section in Exodus 14 as I was getting ready to write my weekly letters to my teenagers (I put a mailbox in their rooms and it helps keep me from lecturing to their face quite so much, and since I usually include either a coupon to do one of their chores, or maybe their favorite lip balm or their favorite candy bar, it helps motivate them to read it.) 

Back to Exodus -I have to say that the escape of the children of Israel is one of my favorite stories in the Old Testament.  Talk about a great action adventure! You’ve got children of Israel fleeing for their lives after escaping the bondage of Egypt. They’ve been led and spared in miraculous ways and then . . . this. The soldiers are coming up hard and fast from the rear and in front of them is a seemingly impossible blockage- the Red Sea. I bet they were thinking, “Really?"  "After all this we are to be slaughtered in the middle of nowhere or drowned?” Or maybe, “what kind of a prophet gets us into this kind of death trap situation?”  Here's what it says. in Exodus 14:14-15:

14 The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.

15 ¶ And the Lord said unto Moses, Wherefore criest thou unto me? speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward:

I think I'd probably be hyperventilating right about then and who knows what kind of panicked words would be escaping my mouth.  They were probably vocalizing these fears and doubts as well, since the Lord tells them to "hold their peace" (that is a god-like way of saying, “shut up and stop griping").  

But the promise is that God will fight their battle. All he requires is that they stop complaining and “go forward”.  Of course we know how this story turns out and anxiously await the miraculous finish where they cross on dry ground and their enemy is drowned. But for them, the anxiety of not knowing the end was very real. Still, they chose to obey and go forward following their prophet. 

What are our Red Seas and what enemies is God waiting to fight and eliminate? Perhaps some Red Seas include loss, grief, heartache, illness, disease, divorce, depression or other mental/emotional illness, and all sorts of wrenching-recovery. As a mother, I can guarantee you that some of my Red Seas involve watching my kiddos struggle through some of these issues.  All He needs me to do is to stop griping and whining and “go forward”. Maybe the ground will be dry and easy, and more likely it will be muddy.  Very possibly I will be required to swim or struggle to build a tight-like-a-dish boat to cross the challenging Red Sea in my life that is blocking my progress and happiness.  

The point is that going forward isn't just required, it is a prerequisite for God to fight our battles. We must cross that battle field with faith and move on out of the way so that we allow Him the spiritual space in our hearts to fight our enemies. He couldn’t drown the soldiers if the children of Israel were still hanging around on the shore or dallying in the sea-bed feeling sorry for themselves and their plight. Just as their going forward gave God the physical space to drown the Egyptian soldiers (which I think was His way of giving them a hard reset so they could progress spiritually on the other side of the veil), we need to keep moving forward taking whatever steps of progress lie within our power so that we create the spiritual space for God to fight our enemies.

For me, giving up the tendency to whine and look back with longing at destroyed dreams are some of the hardest ways to give spiritual space as I move forward. Stop griping and follow the prophet - there’s my lesson. It amazes me how God provides so many scriptures with my name on it.  I need to take a lesson and give God some space to fight my battles.  

Gems, Geodes, Oysters and Living in Tiffany's

Sometimes I am reminded of just how blessed I am to live among and interact with some pretty amazing people. Recently I  read the scripture about the day when" God will make up his jewels" (see the full scripture and links below).  And lately I have felt very much like I’m living in a Tiffany & Co. jewelry store for all the jewel-like people in my life. Sometimes in weakness, I get annoyed by that and start to play the negative-comparison game.  But the nice thing about living in Tiffany's that is that the more you are blessed by jewel-like people, the more you see jewel-potential in others. Even harsh, unhappy, or insecure people start to look more like rough oysters hiding pearls or geodes rather than rocks.  
 
I think is why God’s view of us is so reassuring. We may be hung up on the rough, dull, or even sharp exteriors that may never go away during this life as effects from poor choices, addiction, depression or other mental/emotional illness. Some of these often look more like sin or weakness rather than actual illness. All those limitations, flaws and personal issues are just the ugly oyster shell hiding a pearl, or the rather boring or unattractive, outer shell of a geode. And the whole time God has got to be smiling - excited for the big reveal. 
In some cases, people start out and seem to be dazzlingly righteous or spiritual or charitable their whole lives, while others take a while to polish up that shine. Still others won’t be cracked open until the next life when the their physical, mental or emotional limitations are removed. I think God has a special twinkle in his eye waiting for those ones. And truly - everyone has that divinity inside simply by being a child of God. There are no duds or plain rocks or mere gravel. The power of our Savior Jesus Christ and his atonement will eventually reveal our hearts - our inner jewel. Maybe that is why God can smile more and stress a lot less instead of having an eternal anxiety attack. He is just polishing and tumbling his “precious stones” and feeding sand to his oysters. He’s not pulling his hair out wondering what happened to all of his kiddos and why does he seem to have a load of pea gravel instead of the Tiffany store shipment he thought he ordered. Nope. What we may see as a load of plain pebbles, turns out is really a bunch of Tiffany-store-quality jewels going incognito. 
God will not mistakenly throw away a geode simply because it didn’t get cracked open in this life. He’s not going to pass over a pearl because it was trapped inside an oyster for all of mortality. He’s got this and sometimes it would behoove me to remember and acknowledge that - then go out into the world seeing geodes and pearl-percolating oysters instead of gravel and beach detritus. Take a lesson Trish - and remember that just because you don’t see breathtaking amounts of sparkling divinity in someone - including yourself - doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It most likely means that God is planning a pretty spectacular reveal for that person. So handle those oysters and stones with love, respect and kindness. 
I have a family full of jewels and gems and so many supportive neighbors and friends that I consider to be gems - more than my share it seems. But I think we all have more jewels in our lives than we ever suspect. That is the miracle of God's love for his children - once you start wanting to look for it, you find gems everywhere you look - even in those geodes who don't know they are anything but plain, rough rocks.  We are all children of God and that divinity makes us all his jewels.  

Both the Bible and Book of Mormon share God's jewel-like view of his children:  "​And they shall be ​​​mine​, saith the Lord of Hosts, in that day when I ​​​make​ up my jewels; and I will ​​spare them as a man spareth his own son that serveth him." https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/3-ne/24?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/scriptures/ot/mal/3?lang=eng

I Will: My Happiness Manifesto

Life is hard.  Life can be unhappy.  Life is full of grief and fear and disappointment - often in unpredictable succession. But this is not a post about depression or heartbreak. This is a post about choosing how I will choose to live amid depressing, anxious, or other unstable circumstances.  

As I have been trying to regain my footing after facing some distressing mental/emotional diagnoses in my family, I’ve come to understand the power of one small phrase.  It is essentially all the power I have condensed into 2 words: I will.  I will choose to live happy regardless even if those around me are struggling or suffering or failing to meet my or other’s expectations. That sounds all fine and dandy, but a bit too generic and hypothetical.  So, I’ve whittled it down to some very specific statements I plan on hanging on to for dear life. They are not profound. They are not earth-shattering.  But they are mine - my fight song - my manifesto.  If all I truly possess is my will, then I’d better be serious about I will.  So in no particular order, here goes:

·      I will read interesting books and entertaining books and occasionally very boring books.

·      I will eat fresh peaches in August. 

·      I will plant tomatoes. 

·      I will grow flowers. 

·      I will pull weeds. 

·      I will praise God in private and out loud.

·      I will wear yellow and pink.

·      I will thank. 

·      I will smell flowers. 

·      I will take walks and ride my bike.

·      I will do yoga and I will still do the circuit workouts even if they don’t feel happy and probably only give me the illusion of strength. 

·      I will eat. 

·      I will cook. 

·      I will occasionally host parties with food that makes my mouth water. 

·      I will tell my family I love them.

·      I will brush and floss.

·      I will hug and kiss my family (who will appreciate the bursting and flossing no doubt! 😉).

·      I will write them notes.

·      I will bite my tongue when the need to criticize or correct comes up and I will apologize when I don’t.

·      I will go to book club. 

·      I will go to girls’ nights out.

·      I will watch movies.

·      I will cry.

·      I will make myself smile. 

·      I will listen to music and occasionally burst into dance. 

·      I will play the piano. 

·      I will occasionally play the flute. 

·      I will occasionally travel. 

·      I will quilt. 

·      I will build and plant and grow.

·      I will eat chocolate. 

·      I will attend church. 

·      I will attend the temple. 

·      I will enjoy sleep. 

·      I will express love and support to others. 

·      I will fit puzzles. 

·      I will visit.

·      I will be still. 

·      I will repent.

·      I will work.

·      I will drink in the beauty of sunsets and sunrises.

·      I will clean.

·      I will find reasons to laugh.

·      I will feed my spirit with scripture.

·      I will pray often for others but more often for myself because I need the most work and I’m the only whose will I can change. 

That is my plan for how I will live happy.  Some things may be more frequent flyers than other, but I will work on my will because my will is the only will I have any control over. I thought about making a list of all the things I will not do, but that list is way too difficult, deflating and unrealistic. So instead I will focus on the things that I can do and will do because my happiness is my business and it must - and ultimately can - only come from my will. I will!

Keep driving: a hijacked-life analogy

I used to think that adversity and trials and challenges were bumps in the road of life.  I'm starting to learn that our unique challenges and trials aren't the bumps in the road -- they are the road.  I feel very blessed to know that an all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God designed a plan that was custom fit for each one of his children on this earth.  The thing is -- we don't all fit on the same road.  In some ways, it all feels like we are starting out on the same road as those around us.  As little kids most of us have a very similar world - school, play, etc.  But as time passes this changes - some earlier than others.

Frontage road betrayal

What used to feel like driving on a multi-lane highway veers off as a frontage road.  Wait a second.  You can still look and see the nice, straight 75 mph highway and that was the plan, or I should say - your plan.  Nope.  God put you on a frontage road that now seems to turning off into totally new territory - not even going the direction you wanted, but up a curvy mountain road.  The speed limit is slow and at some points the road is a treacherous gravel track.  And dang it if you can't see those happy, cruise-controlled vehicles speeding along that lovely straight highway. . . Ouch.  You feel betrayed, and hijacked, and at times like you've failed to stay on what you considered your life's road/mission.  I have two words: keep driving.

Other drivers

Once in a while you might meet a couple other drivers in your off-the-highway route, and if you look closely, you might even recognize a few of them.  A neighbor, a leader, a family member, or even a stranger also seems to be on this alternate route and as you meet or pass on the road, there's a knowing smile or nod, or an understanding roll-of-the-eyes at the condition of this road.  Keep driving.

Divine Navigation

You still catch glimpses of the seemingly smooth road of others as they share their successes on life's traditional track.  Ouch.  Keep driving.  You start to realize that you must rely more and more heavily on the navigation system since this is all new territory and you now feel completely lost.  Keep driving.  The Savior Jesus Christ is the only true navigation system and regardless of what track you are on - be it highway or backroad - He will continue to guide you if you keep driving and keep listening.

Scenery

Occasionally you eventually start to accept the fact that the highway is not on your road-map.  And then you start seeing some interesting things.  Scenery, views, wildlife are occasionally spotted as you plod along this hijacked road and you are able to see things at 25 miles an hour that you would never see at 75 mph.  The road is still hard, slow, and the destination isn't even close to being within sight, but you still keep driving.

Destination

Eventually, you find yourself on top of a mountain in the most beautiful place you can imagine.  You are able to look down and see that highway below - some speeding along, others stopped in traffic - but knowing that eventually they will have to climb to where you are - where God wants them to be - in order to have the joy and peace from this view.  You will be so familiar with the voice of your divine Navigator that following Him becomes your goal.  Your driving skills have become very diverse and others have been comforted seeing you on this hijacked road when it is their turn to take a similar track.  Your determination to keep driving inspires them to keep driving.  And there is something satisfying in knowing that your desire to follow your Navigation system and keep driving didn't just bring you to a wonderful destination, but helped others arrive as well.  You may never know those other drivers, but your example was a tangible line of hope to them.
So, for those who feel like their life has been a bit hijacked from their original plan, keep driving.  We can never hijack God.  His Son - our Divine Navigator - has a route for each one of us - regardless of where we are, where we turn or fail to turn.  Through his atonement, he can always reroute us.  The key is to keep driving.

Life is Like One Long String of Adversity Deliveries: An Amazon Analogy

Life is full of figurative gifts and packages.  Some are joyfully anticipated such as eternal marriage, or having children.  Some are pleasant surprises like new friendships or unexpected job opportunities. Some come in horrible packages like disease, accidents, or emotional or mental illness.  And some seem to be empty packages such as death, loss or failure. And yet, life requires that we receive all kinds of these “experience” gifts.  It is up to us to open each one of them and find the individual lesson awaiting us.  

Sometimes we are handed a hard gift.  We hesitate to unwrap it – deluding ourselves that if we don’t unwrap it, it will go away.  But life simply doesn’t have that kind of return or exchange policy.  We can’t go back, or around – only through.  And we are promised that we can find Christ in each and every package.  

Sometimes Christ seems to get lost or overlooked in happy gifts such as blessing.  In a painfully empty box of trial, disease or loss, He may not be readily seen, but if we keep looking, we will find that He is the good – sometimes the only good – thing to be found.  Sometimes it take repeated, painful attempts at unwrapping as you may think you’ve got it opened, only to find another layer of packaging inside.  And just as some packaging these days is so strong (think any child’s toy on Christmas morning) with an excess of zip ties and impenetrable sealed plastic that it practically requires bolt-cutters, so it is with life’s gifts.  Sometimes we don’t have the strength or desire to keep unwrapping the dang package. It may require other loving, supportive people to help out.  More often than not, it requires finding a professional with the right tool – like emotional or bolt-cutters to help unlock a layer.  

So let that curiosity to see just what awaits you inside keep you moving forward.  And even if, after lots of effort and lots of hope, you find what appears to be an empty box, look again, and again, and again.  Find the Savior.  He is there in every package every time – even if we can’t easily see Him.  He’s the one who has been urging us and nudging us and prompting others to help us open the package.  

The fact that opening life’s gifts is a hard and painful process shouldn’t surprise us.   The concept of a broken heart and contrite spirit isn’t just a hollow, scriptural phrase but a very excruciatingly real and essential process. The scriptures are full of examples that back me up on this: 

 “May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite!” 2 Nephi 4:32

“The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.”  Psalms 34:18

“And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me, a broken heart and a contrite spirit.” 3 Nephi 9:20

I believe that the strongest individuals are given the toughest packages.  They also have the most potential and blessings awaiting them, however, those blessings are often delayed – oftentimes until the next life.  In a way, life is one long series of surprise “Amazon” deliveries with a string of experience-packages showing up on our life’s doorstep.  Never stop opening.  Never walk away from one of these gifts regardless of how tempting it may be to do so, or how exhausted you may feel because these gifts are inescapable. 

It may seem utterly fruitless to keep unwrapping layer after layer, but hold on to that box.  Hold on to the people that are helping you hold that box.   You are so loved, you have a crowd of people seen and unseen supporting you.  Let others such as family, friends, therapists, doctors, and priesthood or church leaders use their metaphorical bolt-cutters to help you and empower you.  

Above all, remember that Christ is urging you forward. He’s putting people and resources and opportunities in your path for one glorious reason: to help you become like Him and ultimately return to live with our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. 

My sister recently reminded me that the oft-quoted scripture from the Book of Mormon that states, “Men are that they might have joy,” (2 Nephi 2:25) also carries the unwritten, opposite message: men are that they might have pain and sadness.  The reason is that all things must have their opposite.  The opposition allows us to recognize, value and seek out the good.  The same chapter in the Book of Mormon says, “it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things.” (2 Nephi 2:11)

And so the boxes keep coming – the happy gifts as well as the painful ones.  But all come with the purpose to point us towards our Savior Jesus Christ so that He can help us eventually find joy in this life and everlasting joy in the life to come.  So keep those bolt-cutters and supportive people handy since no doubt another gift is always on the way.

Early Mission Return = Unexpected Parental Payday

Wednesday August 29, 2018 was a day I dreaded. When I found out that my son Nate was coming home early from the Mexico MTC, I literally cried so hard that I ended up hyperventilating. I felt like everything I had worked for as a mother and all my hope for my son were crumbling around me and I felt buried in the rubble. Sleep was next to impossible, eating was almost impossible due to a constant nausea from the stress and worry. I almost hesitate to describe my state of mind because my agony was so minor and fleeting compared to the anguish, darkness and despair my son had endured for 4 weeks at the MTC in Mexico. Depression and anxiety had been gradually growing during his time there and became so acute that he had not been sleeping or eating for some time. The call from the MTC felt like being broadsided by a bus. To me, it was unexpected because I had not known much about the gradual onset of my son’s illness. 
At this point you’re probably wondering where the payday part comes in. I’m getting there, I just want to paint an accurate picture of my state of mind. 
At the airport we were worried to see a large group of family and friends waiting for a returning missionary on the same flight as Nate. We had a sign and balloons and our little group of three worried about his fragile state. He came out and we whisked him away and hugged our wonderful but terribly hurting and frightened boy outside the terminal, away from crowds. His sobbing apologies broke my heart. We held on to him and shared our love and support every way we knew how.  The car ride home from the airport allowed him to tell us some of his interesting, humorous and creepy stories (he had been violently ill and quarantined with a stomach virus) and we got to know his district and missionary friends a bit better. He still had no appetite and was unable to eat, so our drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A allowed the rest of us a quick dinner. The closer we got to home, the more anxious and emotional he got. We had tied yellow ribbons on the trees and basketball standard but it was so hard to hear him weeping as he entered the house.  After getting his stuff unloaded in his room, he talked more as he unpacked. Gradually, some more details of his painful experiences surfaced along with some humorous anecdotes. 
We went to the stake center and had a very tender and informative meeting with our loving Stake President and amazing Bishop. Nate shared some of his painful experiences as well as a very powerful testimony. Being released and taking off his tags was excruciating for him, and it tore at my heart as well. 
After returning home, his grandparents and cousin (who is more an older brother) came over and more tears were shed; more love and support expressed. 
Late that night, he shared so many experiences, so many spiritual insights, so many happy memories from his mission experience and it was clear that he had touched and blessed a lot of people in the MTC. On his flight home, using his broken Spanish, he gave away a Book of Mormon to a lady named Otilia. Wow.  To have such commitment to the Lord and his gospel while you are so fearful, stressed and hurting is an amazing example to me.  Using his fun, notebook illustrations, he taught me the plan of salvation in Spanish, and he told me about his experiences with prayer. We had a very late family scripture study where for the first time in recorded Brimhall history, no one griped or complained. When we asked the routine question, “what did you learn?” Nate’s answer was thoughtful and full of testimony.
Watching his sister hug him goodnight and tearfully reiterate her love for him and that is so proud of him made tears of gratitude start flowing again. 
I could never have imagined that what I had envisioned as one of the hardest days of my life would turn out to be such an abundant parental payday. God called Nate to walk this painful, alternate path, and the scars he came home with showed just how much he was willing to endure because of his love for Jesus Christ and his commitment to answer the call to serve. It was a poignant reminder of the Savior's scars as he atoned for not just our sins, but our anguish, pain and despair.  
Regardless of what the future holds, he has earned the words from the Savior: “well done thou good and faithful servant.”  A friend told me to do two things when he came home: love him unconditionally, and recognize the divinity in him. I was overwhelmed by how much love I felt and how much divinity I saw in my boy. I was had worked to prepare myself for how hard it would be, but I was utterly surprised by the joy.
I realize that we are just starting out on an undoubtably rough and long journey, but I needed to recognize God’s hand working such miracles in our son and our family and express gratitude for such a generous and unexpected payday from a loving Father in Heaven, and an infinitely understanding Savior.

Dollar Bills on the Door: An Advent Assessment

So, I thought I'd bring a little dose or reality and a little closure to my previous post of our Christmas advent plan.  Keep in mind that I'm dealing with 2 teenagers. . . enough said right?  Anyway, more often than not, my kid's doors would look like this:

After a while of letting things build up, they'd disappear.  I'm really praying they weren't lying to me and that none of the bills lined their own wallets. 😏 But they did report on how they used their door-dollars.  Giving away included purchasing toys to be donated to operation home front, surprising a little girl at the grocery store with a dollar bill, leaving them on windshields of cars and giving money to local homeless individuals.  

At the end, they'd both saved up a bunch that we planned to donate at the Light The World vending machines on temple square, but they were all closed/out-of-order that day, so the money went to help a homeless pet owner, and a homeless woman reportedly suffering from Crohn's (wow - what a horrid combination). 

Even if they didn't have life-changing experiences with the dollar-bill-on-the-door experiment, it at least made me conscious of how I was choosing to help and serve every morning as I taped the bills to my kiddo's doors.  Did we change the world?  Nah.  Did it give miraculous, life-changing help to someone?  Probably not.  But it did soften my heart and alter my perspective, and it was a memorable way to anticipate the celebration of Jesus Christ - He who gave all.  

I'd love to hear how any of your experiments turned out!

Dollar Bills on the Door: An Advent Experiment

Like a lot of folks, we have tried all sorts of Advent calendar activities.  Through the years, we've tried all sorts of festive countdowns:

• We've had the small treat or gift each day that rotates through the family members.  
• We've read a scripture about Christ each day.  
• We've read an inspirational Christmas story every day.
• We've donated small gifts to a neighbor in need of a little TLC.

And yet, as my kids are in the teenage phase of life, I wonder if I've failed to raise my children to be generous, giving adults.  Fingers still crossed as I remind myself that teenagers aren't fully baked yet. Man parenting is a recurring act of faith!  And so with those thoughts percolating in my head as Thanksgiving approached, I had an idea.

Everyday from December 1st to the 24th, I will tape a $1 bill to the door of my kid's bedrooms.  The first day will also contain this note:

Our advent activity this year will be an individual experience in giving.  Every morning you will find a $1 bill taped to your door.  This money does not belong to you.  You may not keep it.  You have to give this away to someone in need.  You can slip the bill into a friend's locker, leave it at a grocery store checkout for the person behind you, or even leave it on a car windshield.  But you must give it away.  You may also choose to save the $24 up and give a larger, more thought-out gift to someone you know who could really use a little help and a little love.  On Christmas day, you must report on how you gave away your bills.  Hopefully this will not just give you insight into being more generous, but give you an idea of one of the Savior's parables of the talents.  What you give away and share with others becomes a greater blessing than selfishly keeping it to yourself. 

Love, 

Mom and Dad

I don't care if they will slip it to a homeless person on a street corner, or leave it in a vending machine for the next person to use.  I just want them to have more opportunities to think outside themselves and give to another person.

I am reminding myself to not expect anything besides grumbling and griping.  I highly doubt they will have a life-changing experience, but I hope they learn at least a little something.  If nothing else, it will fill their memory banks with stories to tell their future children about their strange mother who did weird stuff like taping money to their doors during December.  I for one have already had a bit of a mental shift already and we haven't even started.  I'm thinking of how on a daily basis to give something to those around me. As one my favorite hymns says, "Because I have been given much, I too must give."

Gardening: Gotta Get Growing!

My gardening season starts in January. Yes - January - even though living in a zone 5 means that we are still in the middle of winter. January's the magic month when seed catalog start showing their hopeful faces in an otherwise dreary mailbox. I suppose you know you're a gardening-nerd when your leisure-time reward is snuggling into a comfy hair to read seed catalogs. 

Come February, I have my orders planned out and placed and wait in anticipation for the spoils of my seed-catalog-shopping-splurges to arrive. February is one of my favorite months because the days get noticeably longer, there's usually a thaw - during which I love getting out to prune my fruit trees - and my stockpile of seeds starts to grow. 

Then March comes and it's show time. Time to get growing. Time to hydrate peat pellets and get those seeds started. 

And for those of you that might claim you have no space to grow anything - I found the perfect little solution at my local home improvement store: narrow seed starting trays that hold 12 peat pellets. Perfect for getting a jump on a patio garden. In my case, they fill the gap between my large trays nicely (heaven forbid any space should be wasted). 

About this time I ask my intrepid spouse to till the garden. We both know it's probably too early, but he does it to humor me. This early tilling does help work in the layer of fall leaves we've piled on and allows the soils to dry out so that when he tills the following weekend, it's ideal for my early spring planting. 

So what exactly do I have planted? Here's my breakdown for indoors and outdoors thus far:

Outdoor (direct sow) 

Peas (little marvel and sugar snap)

Scallions (green onions from seed)

Spinach

Butterhead lettuce

Corn salad (this is new for me this year - if it's an epic fail, I'll resow that area with other salad greens.)

Indoors (on shelves that span a basement window with grow lights mounted)

Marigolds (seeds harvested from last year's flowers)

Zinnias (seeds from last year's flowers)

Herbs (loads of basil, some cilantro, etc)

Petite sweet peppers

Patio strawberries (not sure this will work - but the seed catalog suckered me in)

Amaranth (two kinds - love lies bleeding and a tall variegated)

Strawflower (seeds from last year's flowers)

Coleus (seeds from last year's plants - first time I've tried non-commercial coleus seeds so we'll see)

Trailing petunia (again - first time harvesting these seeds so I'll be curious to see how they work)

Cauliflower Veronica (spiky chartreuse kind)

Nemesia poetry mix (I'm always looking for shade flowers)

Awaiting their turn in a separate box are all sorts of pumpkins, squash and gourds. As for the rest, I'll be spending plenty at the nurseries in about 6 weeks. 

I always try to save a few unplanted seeds so that in a couple weeks I can go back and resow those pellets that haven't germinated. 

In the meantime, I'll be making daily visits to check on my indoor and outdoor gardens to watch for the first signs of life. Does a body and a spirit good!  So go on and get growing!